Welcome to our Dr. Karen Column. Here, Dr. Karen offers expert advice and answers your questions about caring for a loved one with dementia. If you have a question, feel free to submit it here for personalized guidance and support.
QUESTION:
My daughter-in-law yelled at me this morning. I did something to make her mad. I don’t know what I did. I just know I made her mad. I was so mad I wanted to belt her one. I would never hit a woman. But I felt like it. She’s only trying to help. I just don’t know what I did to make her mad. My memory is not so good. My long-term memory is okay. Just my short-term memory. I’m glad my long-term memory is okay. It helps me remember my wife. We were married for 62 years. She died last month.
Hospice Patient
Dear Mr. Beautiful,
I am so sorry you lost your wife last month. I am grateful you had 62 years with her and can enjoy remembering the times you and she were together. Who cares about short term memory? Who cares about what you had for lunch or what you ate for dinner. It’s the long-term memory that matters, right? Those memories of you and your lovely wife. Those do matter. Everything is fine.
I know it hurt you this morning when your daughter in law got mad at you. She shouldn’t do that. Was she trying to hurry you? Or was she expecting you to do something you couldn’t do? I’m sorry. I bet she doesn’t understand that she is pushing herself too hard, and getting frustrated and impatient because you are slower than she can understand or didn’t understand that you may not be able to remember as well, but you still have all the same feelings and emotions that you always have had and that everyone has. Please share this letter with her.
Dear Daughter in Law,
Thank you for being a caregiver. I know it’s hard. It’s hard for many reasons. I’ve been caring for the aging adult and their caregivers for 25 years, and I hope you will trust me when I say I truly care and think I can help you with this one piece of important knowledge to share with you.
People living with memory loss are slower than you or me or others without memory loss. They are slower not only because their physical bodies are slower. But also because their minds don’t process information as quickly – and sometimes not at all. They also may not understand what is being said to them. They don’t even hear all the words being said to them. Based on your father-in-law’s letter, I suspect he is only hearing 3 out of 4 words that are said in any conversation. Imagine missing 5 out of 20 words or 25 out of 100 words spoken.
Your work is important. Other than your husband and children, your helping your father-in-law is the most important “work” you will do. You will never regret the help you are giving him. I promise you that.
Please know, people living with memory loss may lose their memory little by little – but they will never – not ever – lose their ability to remember how they feel.
They may not remember why they feel a certain way, but they will always remember the feeling they had.
It’s okay to slow down and get help from anyone you can get help from – including your doctor or your father-in-law’s doctor. It’s okay to be late. It’s okay to cancel appointments and try earlier the next time. It’s okay to just sit and reminisce. It’s okay to leave the laundry and dirty dishes for another day. It’s okay. You’re doing important work. And it’s most important that you do your work well, because a dear man is counting on you, and his heart and feelings need you to understand. Because his heart, mind and feelings are still very much alive and remembering everything he experiences.
With Sincere Gratitude,
Dr. Karen